desiring faith desiring transparency

How My Heart Reflects You

2008-06-25T13:21:00.001-07:00

Through stained glass windows I see light
Gliding across the empty pew
The room it is empty but alive
I think this is how my heart
reflects you

There's visions of angels dancing high
Melodies of joy sing over me
If you would take me to that place
I think I would be to blind
to see

Well you said I'd see the mountains move
and I prayed, my God, that you'd see me through
well right now
I don't even know how
to breathe
Well I know you've planned the best for me
and I know I've got the best in me
but right now
I don't even think
I can breathe

Is there any magic in the way
things seem to just simply fall in place
without any tug or any war
or even a glimpse of tested faith

I wait in the mystery at hand
Inlove with the things I do not know
Trying not to rob the joy around me
Figuring out how to let the need in me show

Well you said I'd see the mountains move
and I prayed, my God, that you'd see me through
well right now
I don't even know how
to breathe
Well I know you've planned the best for me
and I know I've got the best in me
but right now
I don't even think
I can breathe

Breathe on me sweet breath of God
Fill me with life anew
that I may love the way you do
that I may love the way you do

Well you said I'd see the mountains move
and I prayed, My God, you'd see me through
Well right now
I don't even know how
to breathe
But I know you've planned the best for me
and I know I've got the best in me
so right now
I'll just lay back
and breathe

-me, Cara

Romance

2008-02-10T11:11:00.000-08:00

I want to run to your embrace
To feel your heart beat on my face
To be changed by your romance
Swept away as we dance

I long for your intimacy
Fully exposed, show you the depth of me
Wanting nothing more than just to be
in love with you

I want to look you in the eyes
To feel approved and not doubt why
To know without a trace of fear
There's nowhere you'd rather be than here

Lord, I long for your intimacy
Fully exposed, show you the depth of me
Wanting more than just to be....

Then lets dance, let passion burn
My romance, for you I yearn
Deeply Lord, so deeply
...that is all I need

I long for your intimacy, Lord
Fully exposed, show you the depth of me
Wanting nothing more
Wanting nothing more
I want nothing more
... than you

"(in reference to David as the chosen one to fight Goliath)...The Lord does not look at the things human beings look at. Poeple look at the outward appearnace, but the Lord looks at the heart." 1 Samuel 16:7

Lord-thank you for this break through... Thank you that you look on me with the same interest, favor, and love that you had on David. I press into your spirit and rest knowing that you not only love me, but you are in love with my heart. I give it to you. I willingly expose all of me to you and embrace this romance-- so let's dance.

becoming rich

2008-01-21T14:49:00.000-08:00

Anxious, I stepped in and climbed the first small set of stairs. I assumed the moth ball smell was coupled with an antique look with possible wooden floors. Yet as I followed the stairway around and looked up towards the top I noticed the extra pink carpet had been folded over the top stair and all the remains of it getting caught on people’s shoes had floated down the stairway. I wondered, then if the moth ball smell meant “that makes me want to throw up” -old fashion as opposed to antique. And so it goes; first the kitchen, into the dining room; then onto the living room and two bedrooms all coated at the bottom with stained pink carpet and walls covered in a matching pink, yet flowery wall paper I would have put in my grandma’s bedroom ten years ago. Trying not to show the disappointment I told the landlord I was interested, took the renters’ application and went on home.
“When are you going to be satisfied?” I kept asking myself as I drove. “You just got a new job, the most fitting job for you in the whole world (so it seems), and just because the apartment you have been asking for didn’t look the way you hoped… that’s it? Just gunna be sad about it?” Although my parents did as they should and tried to help me see both sides of the story, I was convinced they just wanted to keep me around longer; and although this apartment was in the perfect location, for the perfect price….. I just didn’t like it. Yet, you can’t have everything you want right?? Things just don’t fall out of the sky and don’t grow on trees right?? I had a week to decide.. move in or stay put.
I remember this past summer when I finally had put away the last thing to be emptied from my moving boxes. Biggest move I had ever made- not just physically but I had moved what felt like my whole heart from one place to another leaving most of it behind, ready to embrace the new. But before I made the move… oh man.. the weeks and days and hours of endless debate-- “why am I here? Being a Christian camp director was everything I ever wanted to do, and to be able to do it right out of college, what an open door Lord, Thank you.” But then I’d lie awake at night and wish I was somewhere else. “Why did I say yes? He loves you; he loves music and people and wants to have a family someday, thank you, Lord for this godly man.” But then I’d stare at my computer screen while trying to work and wish that upon proposal I would have said “no.” so I waited… and when the release was there, although painful in most ways, I knew that the move I was about to make would change my life. But I did ask myself quite a few times in that season, “When are you going to be satisfied?”
For me, the answer to this question came as I was sitting at my desk a few months ago; In fact, right where I’m sitting right now. The answer to the question came in the form of two other questions. I heard the Lord say, “What is it you truly want?” and “Are you willing to wait for it?” I had been debating for hours whether or not I wanted to move into the nearby apartment for rent, and it was as if the Lord said, “Cara, it’s just like a lot of relationships or opportunities that have come up in your life; just because it’s there and just because it’s available doesn’t mean you should say yes. Why would you settle for less than my best for you?” Oh the millions and millions of times I have done that in my life; acted on, and settled for something that was not God’s best for me thinking that temporary satisfaction would turn into permanent satisfaction.
But, because God is a God who redeems us - He has given me opportunity after opportunity to make a move and change the direction of the story. I have found and have recently been taught that there is satisfaction in the waiting.. waiting on God’s timing and God’s best for our lives. The book of Psalms time and time again encourages us to wait on the Lord, but my favorite Psalm 37 says this is verse 34 “ Wait on the Lord and keep his way. He will exalt you to inherit the land; when the wicked are destroyed, you will see it.” Verse 4 says this: “Delight yourself in the Lord, and he WILL give you the desires of your heart” If our God promises inherited land and our heart’s desires then why do we spend so much time in our lives giving up and forgetting what our hearts desires are?
When I was a young girl a friend of mine and I sat down and made a “Top-25 Must Have’s in a Boyfriend” list. Now granted our perspectives and priorities change over time, but this past summer as I looked back on that list (yes I still have it J ) I thought to myself, “when did these God-planted heart desires become something forgotten?” Silly, maybe, but if we are to have childlike faith- then why can’t I assume that those little-girl heart desire’s can be mine? The kicker—I can.
Whether it’s relationships, jobs, food, clothing, faith, family-whatever you’re “inherited land” is filled with- the loving Lord waits on His children to see if THEY will wait and pray in expectation and faith that He will do as He has promised… His best…. There is no need to settle for less.

My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you
-psalm 63:5

2008-01-09T13:21:00.000-08:00

I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart, and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed
I love to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful

bethany dillon

I will travel anywhere on any train for any reason if you want me to; for I know that you hold my heart in your hands and every track you lead will bring me straight to your arms. I stand before you, filthy and broken... daddy i just want you to hold me, for in you I am beautiful.

this.. i can't deny

2007-12-25T21:01:00.000-08:00

Im finding that no matter what I do
It doesn't change the way
You find me in these secret moments
only just to say..

I want you, love
I see you, love
I know you, love
I want you... beloved.

Never does a day pass by
that I don't wonder why
my darkest stains, the guilt, the shame
is reason enough to die

I want you, love
I see you, love
I know you, love
I want you...beloved

and for all the times i seek then hide
when you find me and I ask why
for all the ways i can't deny
you love.. you love... you love

*finding peace in the wanting

face on

2007-11-04T19:16:00.000-08:00

...someone else's joy is not my responsibility.... i'm only one person... why are we so demanding of each other... and have such high expectations of one another... in fact... sometimes i have expectations of you and you don't even know about it... ... i'm sorry.

this is a tough one for me God.... yet I am grateful you are bringing me face to face with it again... it's the only way to get rid of strongholds....
fears...
lies....
doubts...

I will take this face on every day if it means freedom.

...so it's a decision.... just like I decided before... after years of kissing up to this world... i kiss only one thing....
THE
FOOT
OF
CHRIST

I am not aiming to please the world or please people-- but I want them to see my heart... please understand....it isn't about being the best... or being the worst... it's about kissing the foot of christ... it isn't about filling a need or sparking an interest... it's about kissing the foot of christ... it isn't about melody or harmony.. it's about kissing the foot of christ.

but if we don't start finding ourselves at Christ's feet more... we're always going to be complaining.. hurting... alone.. and unsatisfied...

God, i want MORE of you-- search my heart God, and bring to surface anything unclean within me.. so I can take it face on...

Sunday Afternoons

2007-10-30T21:35:00.002-07:00

Sunday afternoons are such an interesting thing aren't they? A close friend and I were recently talking about this very topic; how it's so wierd that for five days straight I can go to bed late, wake up early and not feel much need for a nap during the day. Then Sunday roles around and since church is early I go to bed early and get a good nights rest, but as soon as the afternoon roles around I'm doing all I can to keep myself from falling asleep in my lunch. So here it is, Sunday afternoon, and I've actually managed to keep my face out of my hash browns, not to mention pushed through about 3 hours of afternoon time already.. wide awake. so rare. So I asked the Lord-- "What is it Father?" as if I know in my spirit He is keeping me awake, something in my spirit I just need to work through, or think about just a little bit more. It's been an interesting month really. Despite the fact that I have just recently had a LOT of major life changes in a short period of time, I have found a rather consistent and stable level of emotion within myself. I'd say more like a train ride as opposed to a roller coaster. However, the past two days have been like the Millenium Force at Cedar Point (a rad roller coaster by the way- it's fast-that may or may not have been the only ride I went on the last time I went to Cedar Point, over and over and... anyways) It was like I'd slowly find myself having the greatest day ever and then something would happen, and I'd start sobbing like someone had just spilled their milk Gosh ya know, it'd be so easy to say, "well, you're a girl, that happens sometimes" and make light joke about it. but to me, it wasn't funny. It wasn't who I was and something didn't feel right. Remember Paul and Kevin? How about Winnie? The boy who constantly had an adult male's voice narrating his every thought? What a good show- an episode of the Wonder Years just happened to be on as I was flipping through the channels the other night. And by golly' it spoke to me. Kevin and Paul were going through a season of being unsure of where their identity was and/or who their friends were. Kevin was also having a hard time because his sweetheart Winnie was taking a liking to the more "manly" men. In one of the scenes Kevin and Paul were sitting out overnight at a campfire with one of their new "friends" who had beer and cigarettes. Despite the fact that he had lied to his parents about where he was that night ( I have never done that just so you know ..... if you were wondering.. I have never done that....... ) They were getting drunk and buzzed while Kevin's conscience is continuously saying, "What are you doing?" In that moment I was like.. "Whoa weird, Kevin's voice man is talking to me." While I laughed about that for a second I thought, "Well so be it then. as weird as it is-- it's got me asking questions." Kevin knew the difference between his head and heart, but unfortunately his head was winning. His emotions and need for acceptance and experience appeared to be stronger in that particular moment. Like an internal battle. Yesterday when I couldn't find a bathing suit I like and felt good in did my head or heart win? When realizing I was in the wrong with a friend, did my head or heart win? When I was worried about my finances and finding a job, did my head or heart win? And then it dawned on me.. it's the same thing that dawns on me so often really--- there's a battle going on. There's always a battle going on. When the heart, soul, and mind are a bit more vulnerable; when pain has been a frequent visitor- the battle seems more intense and you feel more on the frontlines.God has been challenging me, as Joyce Meyers talks about in her book "Battlefield of the Mind" that in order to win the battle you HAVE to allow the Holy Spirit to transform your mindsets; to push through the emotion when the enemy is knocking. What I believe we fail to recognize is how much of that is our responsibility and our choosing. The Holy Spirit is alive and well in each person, but they have to invite, prepare the way, and choose the change. With all of this on my mind, yesterday as I spent much time in the car to Grand Rapids and back, I asked the Lord to help me remember His Word; to help me remember the stories, passages, in which to use as a weapon for this battle I was fighting. The first example that came to me was when the enemy tried to tempt Jesus. The only thing Jesus needed was the Word of God and a mouth to speak it, which God had equipped him with. So of course I thought-- I have the Word the God and a mouth ( I know it's there for it is very loud at times--- I no longer am offended when asked to quiet down :) ) Then God brought to mind the creation story-- the beautiful creation story-- God SPOKE and it was. And then all throughout Jesus' ministry, He spoke, and things happened. God moved.
The word says that we have the mind of Christ (1 Cor. 2:16) and that the Holy Spirit dwells within us (1 Cor. 3:16) so in battle I can do what Jesus did. Then to my surprise I had another passage come to mind. At first I was confused as to how it applied so I prayed and pondered on it for a while. The passage was Genesis 24, the story in which Abraham's servant goes to Nahor to find a wife for Abraham's son Isaac. Before the servant left, though, he expressed mild hesitation to Abraham about what would happen if the woman he found wasn't willing to come back with him to be with Isaac. Abraham's response was simply that the angels would go before him.
After that the servant departed and when he reached his destination, he prayed-- he knew what he wanted- with confidence he prayed for the favor he knew God had over Abraham, that things would go smoothly and that the girl he would choose would be one who would give him a drink from the water well as well as a drink for his camels. Ok, so I know it might not seem to make sense, but to me it does. This servant, knowing that the angels had gone before him, prayed with CONFIDENCE for what he was EXPECTING to see God do. Isn't there power in that? If we're in a battle, in order to fight AND win, we have to stay in CONFIDENCE and pray in CONFIDENCE, and speak in CONFIDENCE, for we KNOW because the word says so that if we ask in faith, we will receive. In other words- the victory's already been won. This really is how my mind works- just out there sometimes-- but when something clicks it clicks, ya' know?. So it's still Sunday afternoon, just a few minutes later, and I think that what is keeping me awake, is excitement—I've learned something—I've learned even MORE about who I am and what I'm capable of. Stuff like that makes it hard for me to fall asleep. And as much as I love the Millenium Force roller coaster, (granted the rush is "fun" sometimes) I guess I would much rather my emotions, my heart, and my mind to be on a steady, CONSTANT train ride---- There's adrenaline there too-- a view of a glorious snowy mountain range, the edge of a waterfall, the rare animal spotting now and then----

all that to say..... yup, there's a battle going on--- sometimes in my mind.. in my heart.. but with the help of the Spirit that is ALREADY within me I can remain in joy.. I can remain in peace.. Which now that I think about it normally results in a lot of laughter- and that is fun. Huh, funny- all of a sudden I feel like taking a nap. REST. The battle is won.

What's in a Name

2007-10-30T21:35:00.001-07:00

It has begun to warm up quite a bit lately, so yesterday I ventured out and took a nice bike ride by myself. I haven't lived up here in Mears for very long at this point so it was sort of a mystery as far as where I was traveling to, but it wasn't long before I found a little camp ground that had a quiet corner on the lake, just for me. I surprised myself and ended up sitting there for a long time. My mind had drifted to a place that I hadn't allowed myself to go in a while, or so it felt.. it's what we might call "imagination". Lately I've had a lot of good ideas. Lately I have had dreams about my future. Lately I've conversed with myself as if someone else is in the room but I don't think I had truly let my imagination go in a long time.
When I first sat down I finally told God outloud that I just didn't feel like I was getting it. Like some days I feel like I know Him. Other days I feel like "How can this be real?" That I was so frusterated with the fact that I KNOW I was not created with a mind that was able to understand God, yet that's all I want to do. Like it's a road block or something- I want to see, I want to feel, I want to smell, I want to taste, I want to KNOW God. not possible with my logical brain really.
Then all the sudden it was like a little switch went on in my mind. about 25 feet out there was a duck floating about, and as wierdo as it sounds, I imagined this huge shark surfacing with his white fangs and devouring that little duck--- hmm-- great imagination Cara-- what happened to you as a kid huh? just kidding. and I swear it was as real as the pain when I pinch myself. Then way across the lake were the huge sand dunes that rest here in Silver Lake. Glorious really. So in the Word it says that, " if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." (Matt. 17:20) I just imagined, "what if".. and I swear as real as the pain when I pinch myself-- by golly I saw that sand dune move."
I just sat there and lived in and laughed in my imagination for a good hour and half or so. I never expected to have that much fun on my bike ride. I sat there, no care in the world, even if just for a short time, and I felt so much joy, I felt so free. Before I got up and made the trip back home for the day, God brought another story to mind. Have you ever, in your mind, wondered what it would be like to have God call you by name; a real audible voice? I believe this happens every day, but it hasn't to me, and sometimes I just wonder. I thought about Paul, on the road to Damascus, whose heart was turned from the Lord, yet with all unshakable boldness the Lord spoke, "SAUL, SAUL......" It says that it brought Saul face first on the ground. So, what did I do? I imagined God calling my name----- over and over, I imagined what it would be like--- over and over, over and over, changing every time. Within me began to well up a confidence that when God spoke me into existance, and when God calls on me by name, Cara, and when God loves on me, his royal daughter, Cara, there's more to it than just a name.
Cara comes from the Greek word Charis (ever seen "My Big Fat Greek Wedding?" If you have you know why I ask that question). Charis, over the history of the old and new testimant has taken on many meanings, including ' grace, favor, generosity, friendliness, power, and joy." Charis comes from the word Eucharist, which is another name for the Last Supper. I can only imagine what types of emotions were going on that night as the Disciples shared that meal with Jesus, but God poured upon them, through Jesus, His favor, his grace, His power, and His JOY!
I am so grateful to carry the name Cara. In a little quiet corner by the lake, at some camp ground around here that I don't even know the name of- out of my honest questions and desires to KNOW God more and to understand God withmy senses, He used my imagination that day to bring the answers to life.I felt so dry for a while, so without joy. I imagine it being because Satan, from the time I was given a name, has had a desire to rid me of the very things I have claimed in my life through simply being Cara. There's more to a name than just a name you know.
What's even more amazing to me, and I will rest in this; is that we all have the favor of the Lord; We all have joy to choose, and we all have the power of Christ within us. Just imagine for a while what that might look like.

Deeper

2007-10-30T21:34:00.000-07:00

Heal me
In the deepest part'
Cuz everything within me, LORD
Is aching for your heart
Meet me
In the deepest place
Take away the things that keep me
From seeing your face

Take me deeper
Draw me closer
Take me deeper,
LORD with you

Blind Sided

2007-10-30T21:33:00.002-07:00

I can't believe that I am about to write about this, but it's just been running through my mind today so I'm going to.Well this one time, freshman year at Hope College, I was dragged to a basketball game-- against our rivals Calvin. It's not that I don't like going to games, because basketball is my favorite sport, and I loved to watch it, but it was in Grand Rapids, and I had a lot of homework to do that day, and so it goes. Well my friends ended up convincing me to go, and we actually managed to get a good spot right in the middle of our student section. We like to call ourselves "The Dew Crew" because we are sponsored by Mountain Dew. They very kindly give us all free pop at every game. Now this particular day, for some reason, I decided I wanted to have a pop- which I normally dont. So there I was, jumping up and down like a little school girl- along with everyone, hands in the air waiting for a can of pop to be tosseed up and to kindly land right in my hands. Well, while I was eagerly waiting, out of the far right corner of my eye I saw IT!-- before I had time to protect my face "BAM!" can of mountain dew right in the nose! I still dont' know where the heck that can came from. As I looked down, the blood was gushing, and my friends quickly get me to the bathrom to stop the bleeding. It took forever, and my clothes were covered in blood, and I was thinking.."well dang, now what do I do" So my friend offered to let me wear her winter coat. Good Idea, but bless her heart it was a long black down coat.. it was all I had though, so there I was- middle of the bright orange shirted student section, with a down coat zipped up all the way, dying of heat stroke. Once I had developed the green coon eyes, and the nasty headache a few days later, I decided to go to the Doc. Sure enough- broken in 3 places. way to go Cara. Fricken Mountain Dew. Out of no where just blindsided me.Over a year and a half ago now, I got a call from a high school friend. "Cara, I wasn't sure if you heard, so I wanted to call to let you know.""Thanks, Erin." I said, and could do nothing but just hang up.How could this happen? He is so young, so agile; in such good shape, has such a strong spirit. A few months later I was singing at his funeral. When once they thought it was just a knee injury, ended up being a tumor- then there was the pnemonia-- and then the cancer. His family, his loved ones, his closest friends, and He himself were completely blind sided by this. In my journal I wrote, "God, I thought I knew you. You're a God of love. Why do you do this? why do you blind side us like this? Out of nowhere- there it is, smack in the middle of our faces and our lives- how are we to make sense of it all? God, you don't want your children to hurt. So what do we do? What am I supposed to do, God?" As I layed there for a week, with a cast on my nose, embarassing looking really-- my friends came to visit. There we were, college students, playing shoots and ladders, and eating milk shakes. They just came over- without me even asking.I heard from his father the other day. Although it's been over a year now, since he has passed- the pain hasn't gone. He had a birthday though, and his father was telling me that on that day of his birthday all of his friends came over to the house and celebrated. They just came over- without even asking really. Maybe if we show up at each other's "doorsteps" more often, more healing would happen. God says "I will bring health and healing; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security." (jer. 33:6) If we have the spirit of God within us- maybe it is then within us that we are to bring healing--- to one another. I believe in this. I believe that love can heal. Just stop over and see someone, sometime.

Mud Season

2007-10-30T21:33:00.001-07:00

As self explanatory as it is, I never really knew what people meant when they called this time of year "mud season". but now, considering my entire "front yard" is covered in inches of water and mud, and my car is a much darker and more muddier shade of silver than it normally is- it's beginning to make sense to me. Yet, despite the condition of the ground, we were blessed to have a huge group of 4th and 5th graders here at Grace Adventures this past weekend from a nearby church. These kids were amazing. Out of 60 ish kids, 12 of them were girls- so they were rowdy to put it lightly. but their energy was extremely contageous and I was, again, reminded of life from a child's point of view. As their worship leader for the weekend, I had to dig deep down memory lane to remember songs they would enjoy and it was a ton of fun. What was so amazing to me, although it made me feel old (how can that be i'm only 23) was that no matter how many hours of sleep they DIDN'T get, and how many games they DID play- they still ran to every destination. If they had to run across camp to the dining hall they would all race out like a giant stampeed to see who could get there first- I loved it. Cracked me up every time- I was surprised at how many 5th grade boys could fit through the door all at the same time- had to have been a record.One particular afternoon I was walking with one of their adult leaders behind the group as they went charging for the lunch line, and all of us a suddon, up ahead, I saw this little body sort of just randomly standing there in the middle of the muddy parking lot. The leader who was with me instantly took off, and went to his aid- this precious boy had gotten his shoe stuck in the mud and had stepped right out of it and got his leg covered- He was absolutely devistated because he hadn't brought any more socks- As I was approaching them I heard the leader say- "don't worry, I gotcha- we'll get you of here" he picked him up like a baby and carried him to the dry sidewalk, took off his shoes and socks for him, and although they were huge on the little boy- handed over his own socks for the boy to wear. As I watched this leader naturally take care of and love this little boy, I just couldn't help but think of Jesus. It's these little things in life that happen, that say Jesus Christ written all over them, and I pray that I don't miss them. That little boy will always know now, that he can trust his leader; that he will be cared for; and payed attention to- if he's ever stuck in the mud, someone will come to his side. It's these small, crucial opportunities we can't be too blind to see.Then of course, after we were done eating lunch, he sprinted out the door, forgot about the mud, and got the other foot stuck.So it is with us sometimes-- Father, Open my eyes to see.

India

2007-10-30T21:32:00.000-07:00

Unable to sleep on the forever long plane ride I sat awake to begin my journal. There I was; a tall, Dutch, Christian girl who had never left the country, on her way to India. It seemed like years ago that I first thought about going on the trip, and there I was. I wanted so badly to know and experience a world beyond myself, and frankly I was at a point where I didn't care how long it took, or what it took for me to see, I just wanted to. Lets be honest, I was scared. My mind was running a mile and hour. I thought for sure my faith was going to be shaken, I thought for sure I was going to get sick from the spicy food and I thought for sure I was going to probably hate it there and wonder why I chose to go in the first place. I was unable to see at that time, God's perfect plan unfolding, but He knew exactly what He was doing.
My first experience in India? Holy hell, it stinks. I can smell it now. I am not kidding. I can smell it now. The rich, thick, atmospheric smells of India have forever been embedded in my nose. I forever will smell India. Have you ever stepped out in faith to take a journey, of any sort really, being so unsure of what was ahead? That is scary, and that is the place I was at. After arriving in Delhi we crammed into the taxi and headed to our hotel. It was dark, hot, and scary. I roomed with who I thought was really my only friend on the trip and I ended up lying awake all night scared out of my mind.
I am a bit saddened as I read back on my journal, just because I was bad at keeping up in it. I find it hard to reflect on India because I didn't journal all I was feeling and experiencing. But maybe that in itself says something; that I couldn't put what I was experiencing into words, which is one of many definitions for India- there is no explanation.
There are many significant short stories I think are important to relive that I remembered by reading my journal. In Delhi we visited our first temple. As we were walking around looking at deity statues for the first time a man who was stringing flowers reached up to me and with the biggest smile ever handed me a flower. India became personal to me in that moment and for the first time I had a positive thought about India. It was also in this day that we visited a Sikh Gurdwara that was right around the corner from our hotel. It was so beautiful. There was a very kind lady who gave us an introduction to Sikhism before we entered the temple and then she guided us into the temple shortly after that. We all took a seat on the floor and just watched. What I saw aroused in me the question that would be at the center of my mind the entire rest of the trip. "Why don't I have faith like this?" Every woman, man and child who entered that temple had an ambiance about them that was nothing but real. The musicians played and sang with all that they had, and every individual brought such an authentic offering. There was a tangible offering, but they also brought themselves. At that moment, I knew what I had faith in and who I had faith in, I just realized I wasn't sure how devoted I was to it. Their faith was proven by their devotion and that was something I longed to have. It didn't matter to me that they were worshipping a different God than what I believed in, I wanted faith like theirs. India is about those people.
While in Jaipur I had my first opportunity to venture out on my own without a leader. My girl Rachel (who became my soul mate for the trip) and I went out and about shopping for other clothes. We managed to pick up our own rickshaw and got to and from different places without the instruction of anyone else. I remember feeling very independent and confident in myself. We had made our way back to Puja's house (who was a young woman the group had earlier been introduced to) where we met up with the others from the trip, and for some reason that I can't remember Rachel and I decided to leave and walk back to the hotel before the others. A few doors down from Puja's house a man was standing in an empty store window and yelled to us and invited us in. Although it sounds shady to the American ear, that is just what happens there, and without much hesitation (maybe the fact that we saw little kids in the window had something to do with it) we accepted his offer. As soon as we stepped in he handed us each one of his little children, (they were twin baby boys) and took pictures. It felt a little weird at first, but then he started to ask us questions about where we were from, what we like to do, who our friends and family were. This man was genuine and I no longer felt uncomfortable. He hadn't seen anyone like us before and without any hesitation he wanted to share life with us. In my journal I wrote, "I like all of the sights we are seeing, but this twenty minutes meant more to me than any of that." I was, again, learning that my trip to India was about the people.
Later on in the trip we had reached the city of Madurai and spent quite a bit of time in the Meenakshi temple. This temple was huge and a lot of life happened there. In the center of the temple is a little "pond" surrounded by large and beautiful stairways. We sat there for hours at a time just journaling and observing. On one of my visits there I met a lot of people. There were three individuals who influenced my life that day and I will never forget them. One woman's name was Maria and it wasn't long after I had sat down that she began to talk to me. She told me a story, while crying, about her family and how she had lost her son, and she didn't have money, etc. I thought she was being sincere. Dioni, who was on the trip with me recognized that it was the same woman who had scammed her the year before. My professor took her by the arm and removed her from the group. I was really hurt by this situation. Within just a few minutes my heart was really breaking for her, and then to find out that she wasn't being truthful. My journal reads, "First I thought she just wanted to be with me, and then she forces me to treat her as if she is less than what she really is and that hurts me… bad." Up until that point I hadn't really found anything I didn't like about India besides stupid little things like the heat and spicy food, but when that situation happened, the negative part of India became so real to me. I had seen the hurt and unfairness of India with my eyes, but I hadn't, until that moment, with my heart. These are real issues of real people. India is about people.
Good thing that after she left a precious old woman named Mrs. P (or that's how she wrote her name in my journal) sat with me and watched me write for hours. She looked at the pictures I had of my friends and family and tried to pronounce all of their names. After her was a woman named Mala and she had her family with her. She couldn't speak an ounce of English but had the biggest smile on her face and seemed so happy. She sat by me for a while and then it was time for our group to head back to the hotel. As we were just reaching the hotel I felt a tap on the shoulder and I turned around and it was her. Within that time that we had walked blocks and blocks back to our hotel she had gone to the market, bought me a little gift and found me, and presented it to me. It was a BEAUTIFUL thing and in that moment MALA showed me, once again, that India is about people, and as I said in my journal, "Mala made me fall in love with India all over again." Yes, India is about people.
There are two more experiences that are coming to mind that I want to share before I try to wrap up what all of these stories actually mean and have truly taught me.
In Chennai we visited St. Andrews Cathedral and St. Mary's Protestant Church. After both of these visits we ventured down to a fishing village which I visited again the next day during one of my free days. This experience overwhelmed me. The homes of all of these people had been swept away in the recent tsunami and they were left with nothing but a few bricks and a tarp here and there. As I walked through the village a man stopped me and invited me into his home. After a few minutes we got to talking about the American government and how to him it seemed so corrupt because they were collecting so much money for tsunami relief but yet they weren't seeing any of it. He asked me to help him, and I had to immediately leave his house because emotionally I just lost it. I don't think I have ever felt that hopeless before in my life. I told him I was sorry and not sure that there was anything financially I could do for him in that moment, but I gave him my word that when I got back to the states I would share his story with people around me. To think that in every corner of this world there are individuals who are hurting and have needs. India is about people.
Kolkata is a hard place to be. You can physically feel the tension of the city in your body the second you arrive there. After an emotionally exhausting experience at the Kali temple seeing a goat sacrifice I had another very emotionally exhausting experience. I chose to spend a few hours working at Mother Theresa's home for the Sick and Dying. My experience there is something I think about every day. Two of my fellow yatris and I walked in completely unsure of what to do and so we made our way to where it felt like most people were helping, the kitchen. To our surprise there were quite a few American men in there. I went up to one, introduced myself, and found out they were a group of medical students from the states. Unfortunately, yet fortunately for us, all the girls in their group had come down with food poisoning the night before and were all sick. There were no extra hands working out on the floor with the sick women. So we were able to work hands on with the women who were there as opposed to working behind the scenes in the kitchen or doing laundry. When we got out onto the floor I asked one of the Sisters what we should do. She turned to me and said, "Just love them, you'll know what to do." That really struck me. After about an hour of doing small chores, I noticed a woman down at the very end of the long room who looked to me as if she was dead. I went to her bed side and took hold of her hand. I had no clue what to say so I just started to talk to her and tell her who I was. I told her I liked music so I started to sing her a song. Although it didn't seem real, a tear fell from her eye as I sang to her, and in that moment I knew I needed to stay right at her bedside the rest of the time. She wasn't moving yet seemed to sad, so I picked her up like a baby and put her in my lap. Unfortunately she got rid of some waste on my lap a few times, but I kept changing the cloth and kept on singing. India is about people.
As easy as it would be for me to carry on with story after story, eventually I have to ask myself what do all of these stories mean. What have I learned? I learned that India can't be captured in a book. I learned that India can't be captured in a movie. It can't be captured in a conversation, or a photo. India is life and the concept of life itself is not a tangible thing. I now know, after my trip to India, that in order for me to truly learn something from an individual, experience, or anything for that matter, I have to be willing to be myself and be teachable. India is about people, and the people I met there showed me how to just live life in the moment with those around me. They didn't ask me a million questions about myself hoping for a fake answer, they wanted to learn from me, the real me. They didn't care what grades I got, what I was good at, if I was funny, or that I looked way out of place, they just wanted to share life with me. What is the point of living life, afraid, closed up, or acting as if I have it all together? What is the point of life if I am not willing to live it? That is what India taught me, that I couldn't learn from a book or from a class.
Indian religions are beautiful. For me, truth is found in Jesus Christ and the very living word of God. The God that I love, my Abba Father, is Truth. There are no other gods before Him. There are other things in life, as well, that I know are true. I now know that the devotion found in so many in India is true. I know that despite religious differences, love is true. I know that true life is one lived in joy. Although I haven't always believed it, I am a person who can make a difference in her own life, in the lives of others, and in the world; and that is true. It is true that I found my real self during my time in India. I thought I knew exactly who I was. I thought I knew what it felt like to have heart break. I thought I knew what suffering felt like. I thought I knew how to look at the big picture. India taught me who I want to be. India broke my heart in a way I have never been broken before. I saw suffering that cannot even be comprehended. India taught me that life isn't just about being able to look at the big picture, but it's about asking the big questions, and living life in a big way; without fear.

Be a Threat

2007-10-30T21:27:00.000-07:00

A good restaurant, a glass of wine, and three best friends. It's our favorite place to meet, and now that I've moved away it just doesn't seem to happen as often. We are all growing up and although we find ourselves all at completely different places in life our connection to each other just never seems to change. Amidst the craziness of marraige, children, working fulltime, and camp ministry we eventually found a time to reunite. I had dearly missed these beauties and the energy and joy they brought to my life.

As we sat there together for hours, updating each other on life and on love, it was as if in a sudden instant we silently came to the understanding that there was no where else we would have rather been than there- because everywhere else hurt. One beauty had found herself in a place where she was convinced she no longer carried any beauty at all. Work, life, and confusion had caused her to feel that the only way to mange it all was to "manage" or a lack there of, her eating-- her gorgeous face lost in the mirror, and she just ached. You could tell by the way she walked that she was completely uncomfortable in her own self. One beauty feeling completely in the wilderness. Knowing, and almost understanding that God is preparing her for something big, she couldn't deny the loneliness she felt- being away from people who know her, and are unified in spirit; feeling like people just see right through her where she is. Asking; Does her voice matter? Another beauty wrestling through the fact that day and night there is boiling anger welling up inside of her. Her life seemed to have been flipped upside down, taken from under her feet- and why? Family n' law seems to think she can't live one moment of life right and now she's expecting another child-- no car, an apartment and 2 other children.. where's the hope?

We hadn't seen eachother in months. When once we did nothing but laugh uncontrolably and act as if there were no worries in the world-at that restaurant table none of us could deny that we just didn't feel like laughing all that much. Yet, the beauty there was when out of our mouths rang honesty, and brokenness. It was as if strength litterally rose and lingered over our table as we became vulnerable with one another; safety in numbers maybe.

It dawned on me, as I drove home that night, that making her eat more food, and lending her an ear was not going to take away her desire to be in control. It wasn't going to heal her. Babysitting, loaning a car, and talking through anger was not going to heal her. Calling every day, visiting, and giving affirmation was not goign to heal her. What will?

There is nothin we can do in our flesh to heal wounds. I can't help but think and dream of what it would look like if we replaced every lie we have believed with Truth... this battle is not one of flesh and blood, but of spirit-of the powers and principalities of this world. They are lies that say that when we feel everything has been taken from us, there is no way we will be provided the things we need. Lies that say when you are surrounded by people who dont seem to understand you, that you're alone, and not quite good enough. Lies that say in order for you to have joy, you have to take control of your own life. The enemy is a planter of lies, and unless these lies are renounced and replaced with the very Word of God-- healing can't happen.

So God says that we are to "consider it PURE JOY whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you KNOW that the testing of your faith develops perseverance- and perseverance must finish it's work so thatt you may be mature and completely not lacking anything" Just how are we to find joy when our world seems to be falling apart and people are hurting? By KNOWING that we are on the frontline of this battle- the Lords' battle- on the Lord's side.Satan's only hope for victory is to try to wipe us out. Our lives and our hearts are nothing but a threat to the enemy, and what a joy that is. May we be reminded, that when things are tough-- we are on God's team.

David

2007-10-30T21:22:00.000-07:00

Psalm 23: 1-3 "The Lord is my Shepherd. I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul..."God has shown me a completely new meaning of this verse. Yes, I think the Lord uses this passage to bring peace and comfort during times of death, but I don't think that is what David was getting at when He prayed this prayer. You see, David's life was anything but smooth and serene. The same David who is known as "a man after God's own heart". After killing Goliath, David's rise to prominence enraged the insane and insecure King Saul. David was literally stalked by Saul. Forced to live as a fugitive, David narrowly escaped multiple assassination attempts.

David was also no stranger to crushing grief. Jonathan, his most trusted friend-- one who "became one in spirit with David" (1 Sam. 18:1)-- was killed along with Saul in battle. David also lost an infant son and a grown son to death. David knew shame and regret. He not only commited adultry, he engaged in an elaborate cover-up scheme. When that didnt work, in desperation, he caused the offended husband to be killed. Confronted by Nathan the prohet, David finally repented, although it was a horrible stain on his private and public reputation.

David also had daily pressures from his role as political and military leader of the nation. His kingdom was threatened by civil war and he was forced to run for his life. His pain was multiplied because his very own son, Absolom, led the rebellion. The unvarnished emotions accompanying life's ups and downs flow through David's psalms:

I am worn out from groaing; all night long I flood my bed with weeping...-Psalm 6:6Be merciful to me, O Lord, for I am in distress...My strength fails because of my affliction, and my bones grown weak.-Psalm 31: 9-10Answer me with your sure slavation. Rescue me from the mire, do no tlet me sink; deliever me from those who hate me, form the deep waters. -Psalm 69: 13-14*

Although David was hit with pressure, opposition, fear, grief, guilt, uncertainty--- DAVID CONFIDENTLY ASSERTS.."THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD" David knew that God was His Shepherd- that he was being taken care of- all of his needs met, no matter lifes circumstances. It hit me last night as I was studying this that in my freshman year of college I had someone i very much respect prophesy over me that I was just like David- although I dont' realize it, annointed. David was annointed and fought hard after God with his life. This person heard this strength in my voice as I sang; told me I was going to change lives with my voice. What my friend didn't know was that I am much more like David in other ways. I have felt David's feelings: fear, grief, guilt, uncertainty. but in this moment, as I notice all the ways in which God shepherds me... I confidently say, THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD. Every moment of my life, God provides for me and blesses me. Each gift he gives is because of his grace. My Shepherd..Your Shepherd.. loves us and watches over us with grace.